***photo taken as I was writing this, april 12th 2025***

This article is going to be something different from my usual posts…

I find myself at a crossroads, in between worlds, one foot in an old life and one foot reaching into a new life, a dream life that has been forming behind the scenes within my psyche and daily choices for some years now.

This crossroads has been culminating over the last year, revealing to me all the ways in which I am holding myself back from fully leaping into this new life, while bringing my awareness to the habits, lifestyle choices and familiar things that have served me for some time but no longer resonate with who I am becoming. Things like alcohol, processed foods, excess sugar, too much caffeine, binge eating and smoking tobacco have proven to be choices I must leave in the past, as they resonated with my old life but do not support who I desire to be, and the new life that supports that new person I am becoming.

I often hear people say as you enter a new frequency or embodied state of being, what worked for you yesterday may not work for you today, and you will have to pay attention to the results you are manifesting in your life and how those choices make you feel, because familiar practices and habits that work one day may not resonate the next. As your frequency shifts, and your awareness expands to hold new possibilities, quite literally perceiving new dimensions and new timelines opening up, we must be more open to change than usual, which can be frightening to our ego mind.

I feel like I have met my “edge”… the edge of my comfort zone, the edge of my current identity and what has been familiar and known to me for years. We meet this edge many times in our lives, and it is often when we feel slight fear, resistance or unease about moving forward into unknown waters. Our edge is the fine line between what is known and familiar to us, and what lays beyond the familiar in the unknown. They say dreams die in the comfort zone, because our dream life lays outside of what is comfortable and familiar to us, and it is up to us to muster up the courage to move beyond our edge, into the unknown, in pursuit of our dreams. Even though the choices we want to make aren’t necessarily “dangerous,” they can often feel that way in our body when we are preparing to move beyond our edge. This is the role of the ego and its defense / protective systems within the body - to keep us safe, operating within what is known, and protected from any harm or danger. Our biology can be a challenge when we are preparing to move beyond our comfort zone, beyond our edge, but this is when we want to employ the mind and it’s wisdom to guide us through.

The mind is a terrible master, but an amazing servant - when you let the mind rule, it can bypass the needs and concerns of the body, leading us into tricky territory and bringing unnecessary risk. The mind can bring us into excess, or into scenarios that we “think” will be good but turn out to be the opposite. When we operate solely from the mind, we bulldoze through life, tend to be ungrounded and overthink our choices way too much. But, if you let your heart lead, and let the mind and it’s neuroses support the wishes, intentions and intuition of the heart, you can feel more anchored, safe and secure as you tread into these unknown territories and meet resistance first hand. Meaning, you don’t have to force yourself off the cliff, into the unknown - you can make a plan with yourself, and use that plan to guide you through the unknown to safe, stable, new ground. You can use your mind to remind your body that you are safe, that you only feel resistance or fear because things are new and unfamiliar to you, and that you will soon feel more balanced and stable as you adjust to the new frequencies and unknown territory around you.

So… what’s this big commitment I am making with myself? I am committing to refrain from smoking weed for 3 days and nights, starting now.

Weed has been my greatest plant medicine ally, one of the greatest teachers, healers and potent psychedelics I have ever connected with in my 28 years of life. But, it has developed into a crutch and a bit of a cage at times. Over the past 4 years, I have greatly struggled with weed. What was once my end all, be all, most reliable plant medicine that helped activate my spiritual awakening, was turning into a drug I felt addicted to, confined and enslaved by, unable to live without it and unable to stop thinking about whether or not I should take my next rip. What once opened my mind and expanded my consciousness turned into a paranoia trap and a self imposed cage that became too wrapped up in my identity and thought processes. All I could think about at times was how to gain some sort of control or power over this weed habit that was ruining my life and health at times. This has proven to be the greatest challenge for me the last 4 years… getting my mind off my weed addiction, and gradually disidentifying with being a stoner, disentangling my identity from weed and smoking.

When I first told friends I needed to quit smoking weed back in 2022, they replied thinking I was joking, saying things like “You’re Sara Murray, you’ll never stop smoking weed” or “Whaaat?! Are you kidding?! You can’t stop smoking weed, that’s who you’ve always been!”

But what happens when who we’ve always been, no longer serves who we want to be, who we can feel ourselves becoming? What happens when we want to change, but those around us don’t support that change or feel triggered or frightened by the changes we want to make?

One thing that has become overwhelmingly clear over this 4 year battle with weed has been this - people will not support the changes you want to make if they themselves don’t want to change or if they feel incapable of making that change themself. They will defend their own choices and your negative choices if they themselves don’t want to change or don’t want to admit that a change is needed. As someone living from the outside in for so long, desperately seeking validation and approval from others, this was extremely difficult… upon speaking up and getting shut down, I would withdraw into my shell, saying things like “oh yeah you’re right I can’t stop smoking it’s who I am” or agreeing with others that I should keep smoking, that it’s better or easier to stay the same and not change who I am.

I locked my dream life and my hopes of stepping into it away, in the back of my awareness, instead convincing myself that I was not ready or able to change because I did not feel strong enough and nobody I spoke to supported who I wanted to become, wanting me to stay the same. This challenge was making me feel like I should not walk away from weed because, well, who would I be without it? This frightened me for some reason, because my identity was so wrapped up in being a weed smoker and being known in this role. I also didn’t want to disappoint people, and felt like I would disappoint those I loved by becoming sober and stepping into my dream life. Looking back, this distorted, people pleasing perspective I held for so long makes me incredibly sad.

So, I am making a commitment with myself - and I’m posting about it to encourage accountability with myself and commitment to this challenge I am willingly stepping into. I will not smoke weed for 3 days, starting today, Saturday April 12th 2025. I will stay completely sober from weed today, tomorrow and Monday April 14th. I am choosing not to smoke weed for just these 3 days, in devotion to the highest version of myself and this new version of me coming into being.

As I make this commitment intentionally within my being, I can feel the resistance already forming, my mind racing and trying to predict or prevent every worst case scenario. “But what will you do when you need to eat? How will you deal with the nausea you feel when you eat shitty food? How will you cope with your uncomfortable environment? How will you survive living in your house, full of smokers and addicts? How will you sleep? How will you find comfort in your broken body? How will you deal with your nerve pain? How will you numb yourself from life????”

Shit… I don’t know, brain… but I am going to try my best and support myself with love no matter what, every step of the way.

As I feel my body panic and my intrusive thoughts ramp up, this is the opportunity I need, right here right now, to anchor this new desired frequency I desire to embody, and step fully into my new life, my fucking dream life, that I have been teetering back and forth and in and out of, for 4 years. Although it is not easy or comfortable in the slightest bit, I have faith that this is exactly what I need to leave the past behind and welcome in the unknown future I have wanted to live for a while. This is the challenge I need to step more into my sovereignty and personal power. No longer will I outsource love, protection, comfort or ease outside of me. This outside in life path has proven to be unsustainable, even though it is normalized and upheld all around me.

I do not want to go through life addicted to something… needing something outside of me to make myself feel whole and complete. I do not want to go through life committed to being a version of myself that exists to please others, is less than I deserve and less than I know I can be.

Yes I am a burn survivor, yes I have damaged skin all over 60% of my body that proves to be very painful and uncomfortable at times. Yes I have a very sensitive body and stomach, that is greatly eased by weed. Yes I live in an unhealthy, unsustainable environment full of other smokers and addicts who do not desire to change, grow or face themselves in truth or honesty. Yes my choice to be sober will trigger others, and may cause me to lose connection with those I love and care deeply about. Yes I may lose friends or lose touch with certain social activities. Yes I feel unsupported to make this change and feel almost like I am betraying those I love…

But fuck it, I’m doing it anyway, because it’s who I choose to be, who I want to be in this life, and I know this choice will support my overall health and wellbeing more than if I continue on unchanged.

Over the past year, I have developed severe health problems, mostly while trying to fit in, be accepted by those around me and to find some sense of comfort and relief while living in my current circumstances. I even smoked cigarettes, desperately desiring connection and acceptance by the culture and people around me. It felt like the complete WRONG and IMPOSSIBLE choice to get sober over this past year, because of my outside in lifestyle, which means I have been sourcing everything outside of me, rather than sourcing my own love, acceptance and fulfillment within myself. It is programmed into us to seek everything outside of us, rather than to do the inner work and become whole within ourselves. We are taught to receive love from others rather than from ourselves, and I fell into this trap. Because of this distorted perception and way of operating in the world, it felt wrong to take my health into my own hands and make the choices I knew were right for me. It felt easier to just choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven, even though that familiar hell was slowly killing me.

I perceived that those around me would withdraw love from me, that I would feel isolated or disconnected from those around me by making these changes and quitting smoking weed. This is how mental illness operates - we rationalize why making the right choice is wrong for us. We convince ourselves of ideas that are totally not true and insane, out of fear of disconnection and fear of trauma. I have been so afraid of not being able to connect with those around me… of not being loved or accepted by those in my life… and the more I reflect on this, the more I’m just like “wow dude. Just wow” because WHO CARES IF THEY GET TRIGGERED? WHO CARES IF THEY CHOOSE TO WITHDRAW THEIR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF ME? WHO FRICKEN CARES???

This insanity of caring way too much about others perception of me, and protecting the peace to the detriment of my health, ends NOW. In worrying too much about how others will react to the new version of me, I am sabotaging myself, choosing to keep other people “comfortable” at the cost of my own discomfort. Choosing not to pursue my dreams so people don’t have to feel shitty about themselves for never pursuing their own. What the heck? Fuck that…

Truly, I now believe that it is my greatest service to others to follow my dreams and make them manifest. It is my greatest disservice to others to play small and hide in my comfort zone so as to not trigger others. And, the more I reflect on this, the more I see that it is TIME to make CHANGES. It is time to fuck shit up, and make some heads turn in awe, wonder and disbelief. Its time to show the world who I can become, who I want to be in this life, and do my work honestly and in integrity.

For years I held myself back because I thought I was a horrible person for being stuck in this rut and for hiding my weed addiction from the public. I have opened up about it briefly, but would turn back into hiding as I let my mind’s neuroses and the fear in my body steer the ship of my life, keeping me cycling around within a cage I built for myself… a cage whose door is open, but that I refuse to fly out of.

Freedom only comes when we choose it, and step onto an unbound path that leads nowhere but into the unknown. Freedom is a state of being, not an accomplishment we achieve when we finally “get there” or manifest our goals. So, I am choosing freedom as I embark on this journey, one of the most challenging challenges I have ever faced. Although I do not want to place a heightened sense of importance on this challenge, because I don’t want to create too much pressure… I do need to acknowledge the nature of this challenge before me, and what it means to me on a deeply personal level. I know this is for my highest good, and will prove to myself that I am capable of doing the things I really want to do.

All I have wanted, every single day for almost 4 years, is to take a break from weed, even a 24 hour one. Every time I would go an entire day without smoking, whether it was 12 hours or a little longer, I would feel SO accomplished and so proud of myself, feeling myself enter this new frequency in my body… but as soon as I was around others, or made it to bed time, I would rationalize why it was time to break my sobriety and smoke. This is why I am committing to 3 days and nights no smoking, because it is something I have deemed impossible and have been unable to fulfill.

And as all the intrusive thoughts and agitation rises up from within my being, I am reminding myself that I am choosing this challenge, willingly entering into the difficulties and discomfort that I let have power over me, allowing them to keep me small and within my old life.

The inspiration for this commitment came from a 7 day challenge I am doing with the amazing Mia Magik, called “The Magik of Manifestation,” where she has been talking a lot about meeting our edge and moving beyond it. Throughout the past week she has shared some of the most impactful and life changing teachings through her personal shares and guest speakers, which I am SO grateful for. Towards the end of yesterday’s call, when mentioning our homework for the weekend (or our “5th Magik of Manifestation Witchual” as she calls it) Mia encouraged us to move beyond our edge and take action on something outside of our comfort zone, that normally makes us contract and withdraw. She says to “choose one thing that usually brings up discomfort, fear or resistance… and meet it with new energy.”

When I woke up this morning, this nudge into unknown territories was very loud within my being, revealing to me that the only step forward at this time is to meet my edge and consciously move beyond it. I knew what this meant - learning how to exist on planet Earth without weed. I know it’s time to take the leap… so I’m doing it. No more waiting until I move, until I become pregnant, until I’m rich, until I eat better, until those around me are ready to quit their bad habits… No more putting it off, justifying within myself why it’s not time or why I’m not ready yet. No. It’s time now, because I declare it to be.

We can always change tomorrow… but often tomorrow never comes until it’s too late. It’s time to meet my edge, and move beyond it… now.

I’ll end this article with a quote from Mia that she shared in the replay email from Friday’s webinar…

“Its safe to be in your power now Sara”

Thank you for coming on this journey with me. And if you’re reading this between April 12th-14th, send me some love and encouragement. Not that I need it - but any and all loving support is welcome as I move beyond this window of change.

I am sending you all so, so much love!

Namaste,

Sara Murray

ancientesoterica@gmail.com

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